


Air Catcher

by donutsfordun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, josh dun - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:16:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutsfordun/pseuds/donutsfordun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't believe in soulmates, he didn't believe in God, he didn't believe in anything that he couldn't feel. </p><p>He believed in a higher power, he believed in the goodness in everyone, and he believed that you don't always have to feel something to know its there. </p><p>Yet somehow, they both believed in each other just in ways neither could understand. </p><p>But when someone makes you feel like you're on top of the world you take them and you never let them go. And someone should've let these boys know that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Air Catcher

**Author's Note:**

> okay so you know back in the days of fanfic there were song fics where the lyrics were actually there? yeah I'm going to do one of those. so here we here we here we fucking go. sorry
> 
> also hmu if there's any grammatical errors I tried. I'm going to fix punctuation later okay. hope you like it.

_I don't fall slow like I used to_  
_I fall straight down_

A boy stood in front of the class, his tall stature collapsing inwards as a mess of tangled limbs and a hunched over spine. Like a flower folding in over itself. Like a car crumpled around a light pole. Like a boy who's so used to not being needed he attempts to take up as little space as possible. Precious space people who are needed could take up. Precious space that he didn't need to be in.

His hoodie was black and baggy, settling on his protruding collarbones on one side, the other side had fallen down to his shoulder. His hoodie was a tarp someone threw over scaffolding, it didn't fit, made angles stick out in weird places but it was protective. It was hiding what was underneath.

"So my name's Josh," He said his eyes still traveling the length of the tiled floor underneath him. His voice was deep but quiet, something that could easily be looked over in a crowd. It was a murmur and a drone of sound, designed to blend in, not to stand out. "I just moved here from down state. and yeah." He spoke in a series of mumbles, infliction in his voice to a minimum. The words he spoke also kept to a minimum.

The air tensed up expectantly, holding on for more. But nothing came.

"Well thank you Josh. welcome to Columbus." The teacher said offering polite claps and a tight smile. With a pointed glare to the class Josh was given a handful of scattered claps. "So you can take your seat in the back right there next to Tyler. Tyler sweetie raise your hand." A long lanky arm shot up from the back. Another pained smile indicated for Josh to sit down now.

So he made his way through the tight rows to his seat, next to the lanky armed boy. A faint air of apprehension coated his sights. Who was Tyler? What face was connected to that arm?

He approached the back row just to see lanky arm was just another blasé boy with limp brown hair and a forgettable face.

Then they made eye contact.

 _You've stolen my air catcher_  
_That kept me safe and sound_

Words screamed through Tyler's brain desperate to leave the confines of his head but he couldn't open his mouth to say anything. He was caught in the gaze of a boy with eyes like graphite. And he couldn't tear away. Everything was shut down, he couldn't feel himself breathing, he couldn't feel his heart beat against his chest, he couldn't feel, he couldn't think, he could only see. He could only see the eyes of a boy, who walked like he wasn't worthy to touch the ground. Who stood like he wanted to sit back down. Who talked like he was forgettable.

And he couldn't say anything.

After many eternities, Josh ripped his eyes away and sat down. But Tyler couldn't look away. And he watched. He watched as Josh adjusted his hoodie to be equally distributed across his shoulders. He watched as Josh's drawstrings found a place in his mouth. He watched as his hand absentmindedly drummed against his legs. He watched as Josh raced his pencil across his paper filling it within ten minutes. Were they words or were they drawings?

The bell rang putting an end to Tyler's watching. He stood up and noticed Josh stayed seated, pulling a piece of paper out of his bag and studying it. His schedule more than likely.

Ask him if he needs help.

The phrase repeated itself over and over, twisting vines across his cerebral cortex. Tightening, pulling, twisting. The pain making him want to speak. Want to move. Want to get up and do something. But he stood in the hallway, back against the cold metal lockers and watched as Josh walked by.

And he didn't say a thing.

 _My parachutes will guide me_  
_Safely to ground_  
_But now the cord's not working  
And I see you staring me down_

Eventually Josh settled in, not comfortable but not too uncomfortable at the same time. He felt lukewarm. No class was his favorite, but he didn't hate any of them. The students were nice enough but they weren't nice enough to befriend him. Columbus was alright but it wasn't home. Everything was just okay. with one exception.

Tyler.

Tyler the boy who sat next to him in first period. Tyler the boy who shared third, fourth, sixth, and eighth period with him. Tyler the boy with the limp brown hair and shiny eyes. Tyler the star basketball player. Tyler the boy who couldn't take his eyes off Josh.

It was endearing at first. Having someone pay attention to him and Josh liked the attention. He wasn't used to it but it was something he had always craved. But as the days turned to weeks it started to take a creepy turn. Tyler never said a word to him but he was always looking. He could always feel eyes on him and when he looked to find the culprit it was always Tyler. Why? Was he staring Josh down to fight him? Did he hate him? Josh was determined to find out.

One gray afternoon outside the west double doors that were rarely used, Josh stood. He ran his finger along the cracks in the wall, feeling each bump and each crevice and each speck of dust. the October air whistled and Josh pulled his hoodie up on his shoulders. And he waited.

He waited until the voices faded from the north corridor and the fading trickled through the halls until all was quiet. He waited till the sun sank down slightly behind the clouds and covered the blacktop with a muted light. He waited until a whistle was blown and a shiny eyed boy came running through the doors. Unbeknownst to what surprise visitor was waiting for him.

 _I won't fall in_  
_Love with falling_  
_I will try to avoid  
Those eyes_

The metal doors opened with a click and the cold air attacked his legs, bare in basketball shorts, and chilled his damp hair, sweaty from the constant running and ball throwing that practice consisted of. But he liked the cold. He liked shivering and he liked feeling cold. You could feel cold deep in your bones and Tyler loved how it felt. Ice cold ripping through his legs, making them rumble, making them cold, making them pure. The cold was clinical and sterile and pure. And Tyler needed nothing more than to be pure.

His head was filled with the anticipation of the purifying, cold walk home as he crossed the threshold from school to stairs. He was alone. He stood in the doorway and took a deep breath allowing the icy air to freeze his lungs.

"Hello Tyler."

A voice from the side of him made him jump and sent tiny shots of adrenaline through his body. A voice that he only heard that one day in class, that he thought he'd never hear address him. A voice that he heard many times as he replayed those thirteen quiet words again and again.

Josh.

Josh rose from the shadowy wall he was leaned against and stepped into the light. He stretched and slowly began making his way towards Tyler. He walked in dead silence. Almost as if the trees and the wind had been paused. Tyler couldn't even hear a car in the distance. Or maybe it was just him. Maybe he couldn't hear anything over the pounding of his heart in his own ears.

Josh reached him and stood up straight. He was much taller when he stood up properly, a mess of long, bony limbs, but not quite as tall as Tyler. His graphite eyes twinkled even more as they trailed Tyler's face examining him, looking for his soul.

Tyler looked down at the ground, waiting for Josh to talk, but he was quiet. Just standing, just looking. And even though Tyler had a good three inches and 20 pounds over Josh, he was terrified and each breath caught in his throat.

"What do you want with me Tyler? Why do you keep staring at me?" Josh said breaking the silence as he looked up at the school's star basketball player, quivering and left speechless by the friendless transfer student.

"I don't know." He eventually mumbled his eyes stuck at the ground. "It's just your eyes."

"My eyes?" Josh said raising an eyebrow

"Yeah they're just so mesmerizing. They remind me of graphite."

"You mean pencil lead?" Josh said disbelief dancing across his words "Like the gray dull stuff in pencils?"

"No no." Tyler said the strength returning to his voice "Graphite isn't dull at all. When we first look at it, it may seem that way sure. But when you really look at it, it's filled with sparkles. They're dull but they sparkle so much."

Josh looked at Tyler. He really paid that much attention.

"Okay then." he said nodding a little surprised out of what came out of his mouth. He expected the star athlete to have no sort of intellectual qualities but he did and it was comforting. Josh put his hands in his jacket pocket and rocked back on his heels. "So how about you walk me home? it's dark and I just moved here and I did spend three hours out here waiting for you to get out of practice."

Tyler laughed a bit more comfortable now.  
"Yeah I'll walk you home."

They stood at the base of the stairs for a second, unsaid words hanging in the air between them, dangling in front of their faces. They felt like they had something more to say but they didn't know the worsd to say. All too soon the moment was lost and Tyler began to walk. Josh quickly caught up with him and they walked in perfect synchronization. The shiny eyed boy, and the boy with the eyes like graphite.

 _I think you would beat_  
_The moon in a pretty contest_  
_And the moon just happened to be  
The very first thing that I missed_

"How about, hmm let me see, soulmates?"

The two boys sat on Tyler's back porch underneath a two AM sky, faces illuminated by the moonlight. They embraced the cold November air in tank tops and basketball shorts, their bare feet dangling over the porch railing. The only thing keeping them warm were the cups of hot coffee gripped in their hands.

"Man I feel bad for mine." Josh said taking a sip of from his mug letting his bottom lip rest along the rim of the cup for a couple seconds too long. Pink against green. Real against inanimate. The perfect juxtaposition. 

"But seriously man." Tyler said tearing his eyes away from Josh's lips and added a slight chuckle. He looked up at Josh hoping he didn't notice Tyler's staring but Josh wasn't even looking at Tyler, he was looking up.

"Well for me to believe that there is one person in the world meant specifically for someone, I'd first have to believe that there's some deity or higher power doing the matching of these souls. And then just think about the logistics of it. How do you know if they're your soulmate? What if there's language barriers? What if you never meet? What if they're a shitty person?" Josh looked up at the empty sky as if for answers. "I don't know, there's just too many hypotheticals to believe."

"Well I see where you're coming from but I do believe in soulmates and I also believe in the man arranging them. Things just work out and maybe sometimes they don't but that's because of our own decisions and choices. Just because we don't know doesn't mean they can't be out there."

"God damn you're perfect," Josh said turning to look at Tyler. Tyler's breath got caught in his throat and his heart began to pound. "The perfect all American boy. Star athlete, a church boy, good grades, a swell part time job down at that groovy drive in diner."

"Shut up." Tyler said with a playful punch to Josh's shoulder. He leaned back and the rising anxiety sank down and the pit in his stomach got smaller and his breath began to regulate and his heart beat slowed down to a normal pace.

The two boys sat in silence for a while, reveling in each other's presence and the silence and the stillness. For that moment they could forget that they have to go back to school Monday. They could forget that the holidays were coming up and everything would start going too fast. The year would soon be changing. they could just sit and slow down.

The amount of time that had passed was unknown to Tyler but he suddenly shot up slightly confused. Had he fallen asleep? He turned and saw Josh on the patio chair next to him, sleeping his tiny chest rising with each breath and small delicate snores peppered the silence.

He sat perfectly still and watched him. The perfect curve of his nose, his sharp jawline, his baby dimpled chin. Hair so dark one could believe that it was a piece of the night sky. Long arms crossing each other in a tangled mess. His white tank top gleaming in the moonlight a stark contrast to the dark green of the chair he lay in. His legs were crossed at the ankle and his bare feet moved in the breeze.

And Tyler loved it all.

Because he loved him, even if it took him a while to realize that. At first he couldn't even let himself acknowledge the fact that his was attracted to a boy, to someone of the same sex. He hated himself so much for it. being a homosexual was a sin. He was going to hell. But then hell didn't seem so bad because Josh dun would be by his side. He couldn't deny there was something deeper to his attraction. Something more than chemicals in his brain that he associated with Josh. No it was more than that. This was something he felt in his bones in his veins in his soul. It was something more.

He'd known Josh for 6 short weeks but he felt like he'd known him for more. For six years, six lifetimes, six centuries, six infinities. But it was six weeks. and in those six weeks he'd fallen so hard. He didn't want to but he did. And he finally found it in him to accept that.

"Josh dun. I love you." Tyler whispered as if he believed the quieter he said it, the less real it was. As if the quieter he said it, the more he could try to forget his feelings. But he couldn't. He couldn't help that he felt this way. he'd give the world to stop. To stop loving someone who didn't love him back. He needed to stop wanting to give the world to someone who wanted it from someone else.

But he couldn't.

Josh was his best friend in the entire world and he wouldn't trade him for anything. He couldn't afford to tell him and subsequently lose him. He couldn't just get over him because he was his best friend. He was always there. Always talking to him always next to him. They were a duo. He couldn't give Tyler the space he would need to stop loving him because that would require them to no longer be friends. And that's the last thing Tyler would ever want.

He looked at Josh and the tears that were welling up behind his eyes rushed forward. Hot quiet angry tears. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't I just love someone I could have?

"Tyler?" Josh said sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He started to say something, but then he caught Tyler's eyes. Red and more shiny then usual. "Tyler what's wrong?" He stood up and sat down at the base of Tyler's chair. he was so close. A mere inch or so in the right direction, they would be touching.

Tyler shook his head. "It's nothing just don't worry about it."

"No Tyler you're crying I'm not about to not worry about that." Josh said scooting up in the seat, they were touching. Tyler leaned back to maximize the distance between them. Between their faces. Between their lips.

Josh's eyes were big and worried and Tyler couldn't let him worry. Tyler didn't ever want to be the cause of Josh's distress. But Tyler couldn't tell him why. "Please Tyler. I can help, or at least try."

"Josh please." Tyler said his voice cracking and turning to sobs. Tears ran down his face in rapid succession wetting his collar in seconds. He couldn't stop them. He cried into his hands.

"Just let it out man." Josh said from somewhere in the darkness. And suddenly tyler was pulled onto Josh's shoulder and Josh was rubbing his back. "Just let it out."

"I just want to be good enough for someone," Tyler whispered as the tears died down and he lay in Josh's arms. Josh's fingers ran through his hair.

"You're good enough for me." Josh said and Tyler laughed bitterly. No in the way I need to be Josh. He didn't get it and he never would. But Tyler left it at that. There was no need to ruin the moment. He was laying on Josh in the dark just the two of them and Josh was being attentive and sweet. He could feel his heartbeat. He could feel how warm he was. So he was quiet savoring the moment.

They sat there in the dark. Less than 10 feet away from the leftovers of such a happy thanksgiving. Less than 20 feet away from the basketball hoop that Tyler had come to loathe. Less than 30 feet away from the curb Josh had paced wondering if Tyler's invitation was legit. Wondering if he'd be welcome. more than a million miles away from the moon that had cursed them both.

For Tyler to live without knowing.  
For Josh to love without telling.

 _I was doing fine on my own_  
_And there wasn't much I lacked_  
_But you've stolen my air catcher  
And I don't know if I want it back_

After that day in November things changed. Tyler and Josh were closer than ever. Tyler tried to stop them from getting so close but he just wanted to talk to Josh. He wanted to know everything about Josh and he wanted Josh to know everything about him and he couldn't stop it. They talked all day and night. They snuck out and went to each other's houses and sat on their back porches talking until the first streaks of orange broke through the black.

Josh opened up to Tyler about things he'd never told anyone, and Tyler did the same. At the time Tyler just wanted to talk to Josh and everything they talked he felt like Josh could love him back. But at night or when he was alone everything came rushing back and Tyler felt so stupid. Stop telling this boy everything. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. He never has and he never will. Just get over it. But he couldn't. It was an obsession of the saddest kind. An unrequited one.

But Tyler still loved to watch. He loved how Josh's hair started to fall in his eyes after two weeks right before his bi monthly hair cut. He loved how when Josh biked over at night the reflectors from the wheels lit up his black combat boots turning them gray. He loved how Josh started to drum songs on his things with his fingers when he got uncomfortable. And Tyler watched him so much and knew him so well he could guess the songs. He loved how at night the moon reflected in Josh's eyes and looked like he had another world his eyes. With another moon and another sky and another set of boys. Maybe in that world they could love each other back.

Six months from that fateful September day, in late March just as the snow started to melt and the days got slightly warmer. everything changed again.

 _I won't fall in_  
_Love with falling_  
_I will try to avoid  
Those eyes_

"You don't even want to know her name? Or anything about her?" Josh said sprawled across Tyler's bed. Tyler looked at him tangled in his royal blue sheets from across the room.

"No." he said. One syllable that held twenty syllables worth of bitterness.

"You don't care?" Josh said sitting up a confused look across his face. "I mean Tyler I've finally found a girl that I'm kind of obsessed with and she's great and you should be happy for me and you don't even care." His confused tone turned to disbelief. "Do you truly not care or are you jealous?" Tyler snorted.

 

"Jealous? Of you? Sure Josh." 

"Well what is it then? Cuz it sure seems to me like you're acting like a jealous asshole right now." Josh stood up and began to to cross the room in that same silent way, that he'd come to Tyler that October afternoon. But Tyler wasn't intimidated he wasn't caught off guard. He stood up pushing his desk chair behind him.

"Why would I ever be jealous of you?"

"I don't know," Josh had reached Tyler now and stood looking up into his eyes. His face whispered 'I know something you don't' 'I know your secret' but he couldn't possibly have known.

"You really want to know?" Tyler held his gaze with the smaller boy. Tyler projected sureness but inside he was a wreck. He wanted to cry and he wanted to throw something all at once. The pit had taken it's familiar place in the depths of his stomach and his heart increased to that usual rate and his breath got caught in his throat same as always.

"I'm sure."

"Well," Tyler bit his lip unsure of how to say it. He didn't want to not at all but he had to. He couldn't keep it in anymore. Then it came to him.

He leaned down and pressed his lips on the full, pink lips of a boy who stood desperate to sit back down. Who talked like he knew he would be forgotten. And walked as if he wasn't worthy of ground. But nonetheless he was the boy Tyler Joseph loved.

Tyler had been imagining this for months, but it had always accompanied a return of feelings from Josh. Although when given a choice real life was still better. In real life he could feel. He felt Josh's warm breath on his top lip. He could feel Josh surrender to him. His small body barely supporting itself. Tyler felt the small dip in Josh's back as he propped him up. As he held him tight and brought him closer. He could feel Josh's heartbeat against his chest and he wondered if Josh could feel his. He started to think about what would happen in the next couple minutes but he stopped himself. Live in the moment idiot. This might be your only chance with the boy you love. So he stopped thinking and focused only on what he could touch and what he could feel. He only focused on Josh and how his lips moved with his. How they seemed to fit perfectly against each other. Tyler's chest was the perfect fit for Josh's shoulders. Josh's stomach pressed against Tyler's. He was so warm so full of life so lovely so perfect. And he deserved everything good and happy in the world.

And then he pulled away. His eyes were wider than Tyler had ever seen them get and he knew he'd lost him. They stood in the quiet for a minute their heavy breathing filling up the silence and the stillness. Until it was broken and Josh backed away. He couldn't say anything and he was shook. Wverything was taken from him. His breath, his strength, his words. He couldn't even stand up straight. He tripped over Tyler's bed frame, and quickly caught himself. He stood up and grabbed his jacket.

"I-I gotta go." He said. The first person to talk.

"But Josh," Tyler said as Josh shook his head and opened the door. He started to run down the stairs. Tyler followed but his heart wasn't in it. Just let him go. And Tyler didn't even bother to chase him. He stood in the doorway his bare feet on the concrete porch step and watched as Josh mounted his bike and biked away. away from Tyler away from his house. He biked right out of Tyler's life. And he couldn't say anything.

Josh

He screamed to an empty sky.

Josh

He screamed his hollow words reverberating off an empty sidewalk.

Josh

He screamed like he would get an answer.

Josh.

 _'Cause I'm not sure_  
_I want to give you_  
_Tools that can destroy  
My heart_

And that was it. Tyler had went and messed everything up, and Josh wouldn't even talk to him. One stupid decision and Tyler had lost his best friend. He had done the thing he set out not to do. He lost him.

It was awkward and uncomfortable now and he couldn't bear to hear his name. When they passed each other in the halls they looked the other way. Josh disappeared from lunch and Tyler's basketball practices and Tyler's house. He disappeared from Tyler's life and Tyler couldn't do a damn thing about it. It was his fault he brought it on himself and he deserved it.

"He Ty where's Josh been? He hasn't been over in a while and I've noticed my refrigerator stays fuller longer." Tyler's mom quipped as he walked through the door after practice one April evening. And the pit that had taken residence in his stomach started to grow.

"He's been busy. He's got a girlfriend now mom." Tyler said bitterly but couldn't hold back the sob that escaped. He hadn't talked about ever. He didn't want to revisit that day but she brought it up and everything came crashing down.

"Ty?" His mom rushed from the kitchen to see her strong, seemingly unbreakable son, drop down to his knees and start sobbing. She bent down and wrapped her arms around him.

"I loved him mom, and I messed it up. And of course he doesn't feel the same. And now I'm going to hell and I just wanted Josh and I just can't. I don't want to do this. I just want to be normal. I don't wanna love him but I still do. Even though he won't ever feel the same and I fucked everything up." Tyler sobbed and his mom sat and let him cry. In the middle of their open door while dinner sat half prepared upon the counter. She sat and watched as her baby cried heartbroken.

And she couldn't do anything to fix it.

The minutes ticked by and the tears slowed to a trickle and then they stopped. The only remnants staining his face. His eyelids threatened to shut but he forced them up. He forced himself up from the hardwood floor, and up to his room.

He collapsed into royal blue sheets, the last thing the boy he had loved touched. His last reminder of Josh. 

 _And I just don't say_  
_What you want to hear_  
_So I'll write my fears_  
_And I don't believe_  
 _In talking just to breathe  
And falling selfishly_

The pink winds of May rolled in and things were okay. Tyler and Josh still weren't speaking and Tyler still loved Josh but Josh still had a girlfriend who he loved very much. But other aspects of life were okay. Tyler just won nationals, Tyler's dad got a promotion, he was getting better at the ukulele, he met some new friends, his family was fine with him being gay. But he still missed Josh. And didn't know if josh missed him or if he even cared But he tried to forget him.

Josh on the other hand was living it up. He and his girlfriend were truly happy together and he adored her. How her dark brown hair could turn golden in the right light. How her lips were always slightly open, and pink, and full, and kissable. How she bit her lip and looked up while see thought of what to say. The sole freckle on her face under her eye and in line with the top of her nose. And how she cared and how she had so much to say. And how her eyes twinkled for Josh.

"So Josh, for our two month anniversary should we go into the city and see this cool band called Sex Robots, my cousin burned me their cd and it's incredible. Or just stay at home, me and you and get some pizza and rent some blockbuster?" Josh stared off in the distance his mind occupied by a set of shiny eyes and limp brown hair coupled with long lanky arms.

"Josh!"

"I'm so sorry just daydreaming. uh either sounds great, it's up to you." He said adjusting his position to face her. Her eyes were closed and her face was tilted towards the sun basking in it's warm glow.

"Dreaming about Tyler?" She said without breaking position.

"What?" Josh said sitting up suddenly. It was hard to swallow and he started to sweat.

"You know sometimes I'm not even sure you like me. It's always Tyler this. Tyler that. It's like you're trying to fool yourself by being with me. But it's okay Josh I'll accept you." She said still warming in the sun.

"That's not it. It's just he was such a big part of my life for a while and I still keep him in mind from time to time." Josh said but the words seemed less convincing as soon as they left his mouth and he didn't even believe them. She certainly wouldn't.

But it's impossible. They were friends that's all they ever where. Tyler wanted more Josh couldn't give him that. That's all.

Josh adjusted himself so his head was in Luna's lap and he was also facing the sun. He intertwined his hand in hers and they say like that for a second feeling their bones against each other. Then a sudden courageousness sparked through her and she pulled Josh on top of her. Two soft pairs of lips touched and the soft sun warmed. her dress was hiked up in the moment and then they were still. Are you sure, a boy whispered against her neck. I'm sure, a girl whispers back in his hair. The grass caressed her bare legs and arms. Everything was warm and then it got warmer. And then a cry, a pinch of pain, apologies.  And twenty thirty feet or so above them the wind and the trees kept their promise and kept a secret. As he whispered promises up and down her body. Promises he could never keep.

 _I won't fall in_  
_Love with falling_  
_I will try to avoid_  
_Those eyes_  
  
The July rain woke Josh up from his afternoon nap. Luna still curled up in the bed. Josh stood and watched the lightning strike down. places so far away from him. But places so close. The raindrops were thick and heavy and coated the ground and Josh wanted to run. He wanted to feel the rain against his bare skin. Just his limbs and his bones soaked under the water of a thousand lifetimes.

Luna would never be able to understand his need for this so he crept out under the cloak of silence and sleep. The stairs creaked under each step groaning under his weight. The last time he walked down a flight of stairs just like this was at Tyler's house. They had the same color wood, same twist at the bottom, same banisters. Just no Tyler waiting at the top.

Josh shook away his thoughts of Tyler and slid the screen door open, making way to the backyard. He slid his hoodie off and stood in the middle of the rain in the middle of his girlfriends backyard in nothing but a tank top and basketball shorts. He was soaked. And he loved it he closed his eyes and turned upwards into the rain. Allowing himself to be coated by thousands of droplets of blue.

blue blue blue blue blue

He brushed his wet hair out of his eyes and spread out his arms. He was the only thing between the rain and the ground. He was interrupting a cycle that had spanned a planets lifespan. He was changing things. The same water that cleopatra drank. The same water hitler drank. The same water that Robert Downey Jr. drank. The same water Tyler Joseph drank. Interrupted by Josh.

"Tyler I love you." He whispered with the thunder. "I'm just scared." He told the lightning.

But little did he know that a ten minute bike ride from his house. in the backyard of a boy with shiny eyes and limp brown hair that he loved, he stood. Embracing the rain. Interrupting the cycle. And he too whispered to the rain drops and the thunder.

"Josh I love you."

But they'd never know.  
Because they'd never talk again.

  
_But now I'm here_  
_To give you words_  
_As tools that can destroy  
My heart_

Funerals are generally a desolate place. Nowhere you'd ever enjoy. But Josh liked funerals there was something comforting of the finality of it all. This one was no different.

He was welcome to this one. But he couldn't participate he could only observe. It wasn't his place anymore. He missed out. He could've had this life but he was too scared. So he opted out.

That July day in the backyard of his first girlfriend's house he made a choice. He stood in that rain and let the blue was over him and he let the realization wash over him but didn't change a thing. He let fear dictate his life and he left fear choose his life for him and it didn't choose Tyler. It chose comfort. It chose leaving behind his soulmate. It chose leaving the one person he had ever truly loved heartbroken in the doorway behind him while he ran. His bike gliding across the dirty gravel further and further away from Tyler that night. He knew it's wasn't supposed to go like that. He could've talked it out but he didn't. He didn't want to. he couldn't. And he certainly couldn't turn around as he left Tyler behind. Because if he did, he would see a boy reduced to tears in front of a pinkish sky. And he would see his shiny eyed boy's shoulders sink. He would see him fall to his knees and he would see the tears. He would see Tyler physically break in front of him. and he couldn't deal with that. He couldn't deal with not being able to hug Tyler when he needed it the most.

And the years passed and Josh did what he was best at. He ran.

hH moved cross country for college and stayed there. Turning a golden brown under the California sun. His breathing constantly in tune with the waves. And he felt safe, traversing the cold sand under a starry sky. He felt free. Free from his memories, free from his regrets, free from his past. But there was one part he could never let go of. He could never stop thinking of how the ocean at night always reminded him of the shiny eyes of a certain boy from back home.

And yes there were others. A computer programmer from San Diego. An actress who was on some Disney channel show. A trust fund baby who wanted a little boy toy. And his personal favorite, a boy with limp brown hair but his eyes were like the forest. but they were the closest Josh would ever have again.

Yes somehow he settled. Found himself a wife and built himself a home. and he was content. She could never hold a candle to Tyler no one ever would, but she was enough. And years went by, kids got older, memories started to fade until his mom called and gave him the news.

His old friend from high school was killed in a car accident.

Tyler.

One plane ticket and two days later, Josh was in the very place he swore never to return to. He stood on the same sidewalk where he made the most stupid mistake of his life. Where he hurt the only person who could ever save his soul. His heavy dirty soul. And he let him go.

He fell to the sidewalk the gravel and chalk dust staining the knees of his pants, and he cried.

The funeral was that Thursday.

And yes Josh went. He couldn't not go. He came all that way, he had to say goodbye.

So he went. He sat in the hot church with the rest of them. holding a paper obituary with the rest of them. Remembering him with the rest of them. Loving him with the rest of them.

But he had no right to.

Tyler's husband, his mom, his dad, his brothers, his sisters, his kids, his coworkers, his friends. they all had the right. he didn't.

But he carried on.

And he stood on the green cemetery grass in the muted April sun. Not strong enough to break through the clouds and heat up the ground but still it heated Josh up. He stood apprehensively at the edge of the crowd, silent. Beads of sweat pooling up under his suit. And he looked up into the sky. The blue blue blue blue sky.

"Does anyone have anything to say before this beautiful soul is put to rest?"

Josh wanted to, but he couldn't, not to them. He needed to wait until he was alone. He needed to wait until until he could interrupt the cycle once again. The dark clouds rolling in, promised Josh that would be soon. So he stood with the crowd in a respectful silence. As no one offered anymore words. A mother cried. and a husband dried his eyes. Children stood seemingly okay but Josh could recognize the broken look in their eyes.

"It'll get better." He wanted to say but they didn't know him. They wouldn't understand why Tyler was so important to him. He looked at them once more a fleeting reminder of Tyler and he brought his eyes back down.

Then the dirt was thrown on top of him and then the cemetery was emptied and everyone was gone. A slow crawl of broken people, back to their cars, back to their lives. Their lives without Tyler. But Josh couldn't bring himself to leave.

He stood alone at the foot of a freshly dug grave. Covered in flowers, framed with footprints. and the lack of a headstone left the head of the grave free. 

He couldn't believe it. This is all that was left. This was his only chance to make things right. He didn't believe in anything after, but he believed somehow Tyler would know. If he could only say the words.

"Ty I-" He started but it didn't feel right. It felt forced, it didn't feel genuine.

Then the gray broke and the rain that had been sitting in the clouds for days rushed towards the ground. And Josh looked up, a raindrop got in his eye and rolled down his cheek. Or was it a tear?

He stretched open his arms embracing the rain. His new suit soaked. He was soaked to the bone and he deserved it. He closed his eyes, raindrops stuck on his eyelashes and remembered how it felt to love Tyler. How it felt to be 15 again and in love with a boy you were too scared to let know. How it felt to be standing in your girlfriends backyard in a tank top and shorts knowing you could never keep your promise. How it felt to feel right.

"Tyler I love you."


End file.
